So I'm going through all these old files on my computer. Apparently, I went to see a stand-up comedian in my freshman year of college. I can't remember his name for the life of me, but I must have been impressed enough to write down a bunch of his jokes afterwards. Here ya go...hope you enjoy them as much as I did...
“Anyone having a bad day? You know what I do when I have a bad day? I take it out on other people. For example, I was driving in my car the other day. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a family in the car behind me. They were all drinking hot chocolate, so I slammed on my brakes.”
“Does anybody really like Spam? They just came out with Spam Lite. As if anybody ate so much Spam that it was a concern for their body weight. There probably aren’t too many people going around saying, ‘Yea, I can eat twice as much Spam now!’ "
“When my wife feels like being sexy, she talks in w’s. ‘I wuv you, my widdle honey.’ It makes me feel like saying, ‘I wuv you, too. OK, I think I’ll weave now.’ I mean, who really wants to be in bed with Elmer Fudd?”
“Remember that blizzard on New Year’s Eve last year? Well, I was driving on the thruway that day, and I saw my proctologist in the next car. It was so hard to see, he had to look through the little hole in the windshield.”
“We were crazy kids at Christmas. We used to suck on our candy canes until the ends got really sharp, and then we would stab each other. The doctor could never figure out where those wounds came from!”
“Every Christmas, we set out hot chocolate and cookies for Santa. Well, one year, my brother decided to put some X-Lax in the hot chocolate. The next day, my dad was in the bathroom all day, saying, ‘I hate you kids!’ "
“My mom is at the stage where she says things that almost make sense, but don’t. Like, I told her I was going to buy an answering machine. She said, ‘Why? You’re never home.’ "
“My brother does that, too. It must run in the family. I told him I would pay him twenty bucks to mow my lawn, and he said, ‘For twenty bucks, I’d do it for free!’ "
“You know how AT&T is coming out with those little pocket phones? I told my mom about those. She asked, ‘Oh, are they cordless?’ "
"Speaking of which, I got my parents a cordless phone, and they’re not quite sure how to use it. They used to talk on the phone standing next to the base unit. So I said, ‘No, Dad, you can walk with that phone.’ Next time I saw him, he was walking around with the phone, CARRYING the base unit. I told him, ‘No, you don’t NEED to be near the base unit.’ So, afterwards, I saw him driving off in the car while talking on the phone, and I was like, ‘No, Dad, that’s just a LITTLE too far!’ "
“Wal-Mart is selling tires now. That’s good for the typical Wal-Mart customer, because now they can fix up underneath their house. I usually get booed for that one. You know why? The reason they boo me is because they can’t whistle, they’re missing their front teeth!”
“You know who Bill Clinton should have dated instead of Monica Lewinsky? He should have dated Lorena Bobbitt. Then, if it were her word against his, she would have the evidence in court and it wouldn’t cost our country forty million dollars to find out the truth.”
“I’m Italian. Italians have their own way of expressing things. They say Italians have a temper. If you find yourself tied up and with stab wounds, it’s an Italian’s subtle way of saying you cut them off on the road. They also have a lot of body hair. Italians usually have tons of hair under their arms and it makes them look like they have gorillas in a headlock.”
“You know why all Italian guys are named Tony? It’s because, when the Italians first immigrated to America, they got letters stamped on their foreheads that spelled out, TO N.Y.”
“My grandmother loves to feed people. Even if you were at the table with her and choking to death, she’d still stuff your face. I found out that my grandpa doesn’t walk the way he does because he’s old. It’s because of all those peppers.”
“I hate flying because there’s always the risk that the airplane roof will fly off. It kind of gives new meaning to the term ‘Flying sucks!’ And then there are those obnoxious little kids sitting next to you. . . you know, the ones who go to the bathroom all the time and then come back with a little blue squirt gun and splash you in the face. Why do people say flying is so much safer than driving? It’s not like, if your car runs out of gas, you’re going to plummet forty thousand feet.”
“Anybody ever get road rage? You can never predict when you’re going to get road rage, but everybody gets it. Sometimes, it gets ridiculous. Once, I flipped off a DOG for running across the road in front of me. I doubt the dog even cared. It was one of those big, old dogs. . . you know, the kind that just waddles around looking so non-threatening and out of it that burglars aren’t scared by them at all.”
“If you go to a Catholic school, you know how vicious those nuns can be. I once met a kid who switched from a public school to a private school and started doing a lot better in math. I asked him why and he said, ‘When you walk into a classroom and see a big cross hanging on the wall to stand for a plus sign and they threaten to beat you with it if you do something wrong, you know they mean business!’ "
“Anyone having a bad day? You know what I do when I have a bad day? I take it out on other people. For example, I was driving in my car the other day. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a family in the car behind me. They were all drinking hot chocolate, so I slammed on my brakes.”
“Does anybody really like Spam? They just came out with Spam Lite. As if anybody ate so much Spam that it was a concern for their body weight. There probably aren’t too many people going around saying, ‘Yea, I can eat twice as much Spam now!’ "
“When my wife feels like being sexy, she talks in w’s. ‘I wuv you, my widdle honey.’ It makes me feel like saying, ‘I wuv you, too. OK, I think I’ll weave now.’ I mean, who really wants to be in bed with Elmer Fudd?”
“Remember that blizzard on New Year’s Eve last year? Well, I was driving on the thruway that day, and I saw my proctologist in the next car. It was so hard to see, he had to look through the little hole in the windshield.”
“We were crazy kids at Christmas. We used to suck on our candy canes until the ends got really sharp, and then we would stab each other. The doctor could never figure out where those wounds came from!”
“Every Christmas, we set out hot chocolate and cookies for Santa. Well, one year, my brother decided to put some X-Lax in the hot chocolate. The next day, my dad was in the bathroom all day, saying, ‘I hate you kids!’ "
“My mom is at the stage where she says things that almost make sense, but don’t. Like, I told her I was going to buy an answering machine. She said, ‘Why? You’re never home.’ "
“My brother does that, too. It must run in the family. I told him I would pay him twenty bucks to mow my lawn, and he said, ‘For twenty bucks, I’d do it for free!’ "
“You know how AT&T is coming out with those little pocket phones? I told my mom about those. She asked, ‘Oh, are they cordless?’ "
"Speaking of which, I got my parents a cordless phone, and they’re not quite sure how to use it. They used to talk on the phone standing next to the base unit. So I said, ‘No, Dad, you can walk with that phone.’ Next time I saw him, he was walking around with the phone, CARRYING the base unit. I told him, ‘No, you don’t NEED to be near the base unit.’ So, afterwards, I saw him driving off in the car while talking on the phone, and I was like, ‘No, Dad, that’s just a LITTLE too far!’ "
“Wal-Mart is selling tires now. That’s good for the typical Wal-Mart customer, because now they can fix up underneath their house. I usually get booed for that one. You know why? The reason they boo me is because they can’t whistle, they’re missing their front teeth!”
“You know who Bill Clinton should have dated instead of Monica Lewinsky? He should have dated Lorena Bobbitt. Then, if it were her word against his, she would have the evidence in court and it wouldn’t cost our country forty million dollars to find out the truth.”
“I’m Italian. Italians have their own way of expressing things. They say Italians have a temper. If you find yourself tied up and with stab wounds, it’s an Italian’s subtle way of saying you cut them off on the road. They also have a lot of body hair. Italians usually have tons of hair under their arms and it makes them look like they have gorillas in a headlock.”
“You know why all Italian guys are named Tony? It’s because, when the Italians first immigrated to America, they got letters stamped on their foreheads that spelled out, TO N.Y.”
“My grandmother loves to feed people. Even if you were at the table with her and choking to death, she’d still stuff your face. I found out that my grandpa doesn’t walk the way he does because he’s old. It’s because of all those peppers.”
“I hate flying because there’s always the risk that the airplane roof will fly off. It kind of gives new meaning to the term ‘Flying sucks!’ And then there are those obnoxious little kids sitting next to you. . . you know, the ones who go to the bathroom all the time and then come back with a little blue squirt gun and splash you in the face. Why do people say flying is so much safer than driving? It’s not like, if your car runs out of gas, you’re going to plummet forty thousand feet.”
“Anybody ever get road rage? You can never predict when you’re going to get road rage, but everybody gets it. Sometimes, it gets ridiculous. Once, I flipped off a DOG for running across the road in front of me. I doubt the dog even cared. It was one of those big, old dogs. . . you know, the kind that just waddles around looking so non-threatening and out of it that burglars aren’t scared by them at all.”
“If you go to a Catholic school, you know how vicious those nuns can be. I once met a kid who switched from a public school to a private school and started doing a lot better in math. I asked him why and he said, ‘When you walk into a classroom and see a big cross hanging on the wall to stand for a plus sign and they threaten to beat you with it if you do something wrong, you know they mean business!’ "
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